Remember your first kiss? Your first crush? Your first sexual experience? I remember each one as if it was yesterday and God I miss them!
I’ve been married for 28 years in November. Our first few years were passionate but after the kids were born, we started losing interest. We tried being romantic but it was always one sided. I would try and try but I stopped seeing him as sexual partner and more like a room mate.
Today my daughter was sharing her life and how romantic her boyfriend and how passionate he was when they had alone time. I was so envious and kind of jealous. How I missed holding hands, kissing and even sex! Ha ha
My husband and I haven’t had any sexual interest for over 10 years if not more. The attraction isn’t there and I don’t think will ever be. I’ve thought of divorce, I’ve thought of running away and finding a new life. I’ve always said that I would never marry again or even date. I would love to have the single life again. Not having to clean up after anyone, not having to do everyone’s laundry , just being able to come home to peace and quiet.
But I long for that excitement of a first kiss, first embrace, first everything.. I miss that look! The look that someone gives you when they’re deeply in love with you. I want a relationship where it’s 50/50.. everyone works together to build a life. I’ve never known that. My husband who is a kind and gentle person is lazy. I’ve tried to talk to him about life but he turns the subject about my issues and how I don’t see what he actually does.. so I don’t do anything about and keep my mouth shut..is it better to live this way where I just keep my opinions to myself? Studies state that it’s hard for a woman over 50 to date or find someone.. I guess I’ll never know 😔
Life is always shifting. We have good days and bad days. Some people can handle a lot and others can barely hold on.
I’ve always been jealous of the people who can handle work, a home , family, soccer practice, dance lessons etc etc. Ones who have a clean house, time to meet up with friends, have a craft room.. you know the ones we see on the movie/TV or the mommy bloggers. I can barely function with what I have let alone manage everything else.
Ocean ave Kennebunkport
Balancing for me is tough. I was never officially diagnosed with ADD or any learning disorder but I truly believe I have it. My patience with completing a task is hard. Photography is the one thing I can balance without anxiety. Taking a photograph is calming to me. Waiting for the right moment to capture something remarkable.
On a walk at Laudholm farm
While I was driving down Ocean ave, I noticed a few people taking photos. To my surprise, someone or some people had created stacks of balancing rocks! Each one unique and carefully designed. I parked and got out to admire such talent.
It was breathtaking!! How could someone have the patience and the skills to balance these especially on the jagged rocks!! My mind was blown away.
I’ve never been private about my depression/anxiety. In fact, I wear it on my sleeve so others don’t have to feel “alone” or “hide” from it. Back years ago, depression was a taboo! I remember my grandmother saying she had a breakdown or she had bad nerves. Through the years, after hearing stories about her “breakdowns”, it seemed like she suffered from bipolar disorder or depression. But that’s just speculations.
My grandmother had sisters who also had some mental health issues. Her sister Hazel was a hypochondriac. She had a local doctor prescribed a new med every week which were “sugar pills” but different colors. She was convinced they worked until the following Monday when Dr. Koehan came to call and he would fill a new med.
So what does Fog have to do with depression? To me, it’s like being lost in a mist and you can’t find your way out.
Portland Head light
I’ve been diagnosed with depression for approx 22 years. It first started off as postpartum depression shortly after our daughter was born. Then during her first 2 years of life, I was living in a fog. I could make some things out but I couldn’t see clearly. I can’t remember when she first walked or her first words, I see pictures and it’s fuzzy. She would ask questions about when she was a baby and I’d have to ask my husband. I felt like a worthless mother. How could I look at her and tell her I can’t remember? I beat myself for years until I realized it wasn’t my fault..
Well Harbor
So many years I’ve lived under this title and with medication, I struggled through until 2 years ago..
2018 my life shattered when my mother died.. I went from depression/anxiety to PTSD/grief /suicidal thoughts /depression and anxiety. Wow what a mouthful! I’ve been in counseling, double my meds, seeing a Psychiatrist, been on the phone with crisis response and the suicide hotline. I’ve had days I can’t get out of bed, days I’d want to crash my car into a pole, run far far away from life, etc.. but I don’t. I stop and look at the big picture. Who would bury me? Who would watch my grandchildren? How would my family survive without me? Would this kill my dad? He had already buried my mother, my sister and both of his parents..his youngest daughter just survived cancer … I couldn’t do this to him, to anyone I love. I used to say I was too much of a coward to kill myself because my luck I’d screw it up . Not funny but it’s true. As the old saying goes.. “if I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all!”
There are some days that are better than others. I’m neither an optimist or a pessimist. I don’t wake up saying “Today’s going to be an awesome day”.. I wait until the end of the day to say “well today wasn’t so bad”. Some days the fog is thick where other days I can see rays of sun peeking through it.
I hope my story helps you through the storm so you can see the light at the end
Summer time in Maine has its good days and bad days. But overall, the summers here are pretty great! I have always said that I’d take a bad summer day in Maine than a good day in Florida!
Most of you know, I adore the ocean.. My daily routine is driving by Kennebunk beach at least once if not twice a day. I never get sick of it! The older I get, the more I need it. Lately I’ve been spending my evenings on Colony Beach In Kennebunkport. It’s a lot smaller than Kennebunk’s main beach, but still amazing to me.
Parson Beach
Any body of water makes me content but there’s something mysterious and breathtaking about the Ocean. So many uncharted miles, depths and creatures yet to be discovered. My favorite part is how unpredictable the ocean can be. One moment, the waves are angry and fierce while another time, it’s calm and smooth as glass.
My fondest memories have revolved around water. Whether it be playing in the waves in Kennebunk, hanging out with friends at York beach or taking my children to Fernald shores in Lebanon when they were little.. I guess that’s why both of my children are connected to the beach just like their mother.
Two of my grandsons
I was talking to one of my counselors this evening and she asked where would I go if I needed a safe place to be. First answer was the beach of course! It grounds my soul and brings me back from whatever dark place I’m in. Whether it’s the sounds of the waves, feeling the warm breeze or just the smell of sea roses as the breeze tickles my nose. It just helps my heart to heal for the moment.
Kennebunk river at Colony Beach
Is there something in nature that helps ground you?
I just wanted to share a few pictures of flowers I’ve taken over the last few years. Prescott Park in Portsmouth NH have such beautiful gardens. My favorite place is the Botanical gardens in Booth bay Maine. I hope to go back once Covid 19 is over..
Overlooking the salt marshes where Canadian geese nest and raise their young
The best part of living in Maine is when you find a walking trail that runs along side the marshes.. As you enjoy the warm refreshing breeze off the water, the sound of crashing waves in the distance and the fragrance of the sea rose bushes along the trail, you get to meet people and their puppies!!!
While walking today, I got to meet a 4 month old Blue Tick hound who was tired from her walk so her mommy had to carry her the rest of the way. I wanted to take a picture but I didn’t dare press my luck. We kept walking when we came across another puppy! This one was a 7 month old yellow lab and was so happy to see us but her mommy was reluctant to stop and say hi. With Covid-19 still affecting people, I’d probably keep my dogs away from stranger
This particular path was an extension of the Kennebunk bridle path I had walked last week. I walked 5 miles on the left side (western ave to Sea rd school) but the right side go from western Ave to sea road (across from the golf course) and that’s approximately a mile. I really need to invest in a Fitbit or something other than my phone to track steps.
The trail is approximately 1-1.5 miles round trip. The beginning has a lot of tree roots but overall it’s smooth sailing
After having 6 weeks off from work, I hit the ground running and came back on Tuesday. I was nervous and anxious at first but things fell back into place. Wednesday ,my client and I went to Drakes Island and walked the Jetty.. of course my 19yr old client walked the rocks like he was gliding on air! Me? Well I took every stone like a snail so I didn’t lose my balance. Note to self: bring hiking pole for every walk!! It’s a life saver
Wells Jetty and harbor
Today my other client, another staff and 2 other clients went to Cascade Falls in Saco. It’s been a few years since I hiked it but it was still amazing. My coworker and I sat at the base of the waterfall while the clients did some exploring and playing in the puddles. It was so perfect
Cascade Falls Saco Maine
Last but not least, I discovered a new trail. The Tatnic Hill Preserves in Wells. Tatnic is made up of several towns that are connected. Wells, South Berwick, Ogunquit and I believe York but I could be wrong. For example, my parents own a house in South Berwick. If you go into the woods and cross over the stone wall, you would be in the town of Wells. It was a great place to grow up. I tried to Google the history of the Tatnic area but I couldn’t find it. It was so long ago when I was told the meaning of Tatnic but I forgot
I found this trail on AllTrails app and decided today to try it. Should have picked a cooler day with less humidity but oh well! The map said it was only a mile but didn’t explain the hills, rocks and natural tree roots in the trail. After 50 mins and severely winded, I made it back to the car.. The Forest was breathtaking.. the canopy was green and alive with squirrels, birds and chipmunks. I’d loved the sounds of nature. Listening to the wind, the sun peeking through the trees, frogs peeping in the brooks..Sometimes the world is too loud and you just need a break.
As an early child/pre teen, my life was full of adventures.. my parent owned 40 acres of woods and we lived in a quiet area where there were hardly any cars/traffic. We lived in a time where you felt safe, where you could ride your bike to your friend’s house 3 miles away and you knew every house along the way. We found spots to hang out, explore and used our imagination.. life was much simpler back in 1980. I was a tall, skinny kid with bruises on my knees. I biked everywhere or walked.
Then teen life hit me and it wasn’t cool to ride a bike or play in the woods. I had friends who had cars, we had jobs and ate bad junk food.. I gained and gained weight and never looked back. When I was in high school, I weighed 180.. I was called buffalo, thunder thighs, balloon etc etc. (what I would do to go back to being 180 again) after high school, I stayed the same until I got into my first real relationship at 19. He was much older than me, by 20 years. He was kind at first but aren’t they all? He had a lot of demons hidden and had a messed up childhood. He was an alcoholic and when he drank, the demons and his paranoia came out. During our 3 years together, I reached 240lbs. I was depressed and felt like I was nothing. He had made me feel like I was nothing. I finally broke away from that life and started to find out who I was again.
After 3 years of Hell, I started to lose weight and exercise. Richard Simmons Sweating to the oldies was my savior. I thought If these overweight people could move then damn it so can I!! I lost 70lbs and loved myself again. In October 1991, I met my husband through a mutual friend. I was skinnier, in love and happy. He asked me to marry him 2 months after we met and I was pregnant sept 1992. We were married Nov 1992 and our son, Thomas, was born March 1993. In 1997, our daughter Annakah was born and I was over 300lbs. I was fat, depressed, living pay check to paycheck in a slumlord’s rental with 2 kids. I couldn’t get out of my own way let alone exercise, run around with my kids or just be an active parent.
Meeting Joe Hill at a comic book convention Weight: 350lbs
my max weight was 350. I had become a type 2 diabetic, with my triglycerides 1500 and felt like a failure as a parent. Over time, my diabetes consumed my life.. my blood sugars were 400-600 daily, Little Debbie snacks became my “drug” of choice and would chase them with a Diet Coke (because it was healthy). I hardly drank water, hardly ate anything green and definitely didn’t exercise. I feel like my poor kids suffered because of it. They didn’t have a mother who could play with them or run/chase after them, take them out on hikes or bike rides. I was smart tho and had enrolled them into sports, Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts so they would be active. I made sure they ate fruits and veggies and drank some water.
Over time , I gave up all sodas and started walking more . After we moved to Arundel, I would do yard work, walk on the beach and just breathe more. It took me over 10 years to get under 300 . In January 2020, I started weight Watchers and the gym. It’s been a hard struggle but I’ve lost 16lbs since and have never felt better. Since the gym closed in March, I’ve had to find alternative ways to exercise. I started out with my usual trails but after awhile I got bored. I rediscovered Laudholm farms in Wells and fell back in love with nature. Being amongst the trees, flowers, wind ,the smell of the ocean, sounds of the birds makes me feel so alive!! I downloaded an app called AllTrails.com and I love it.. so many new places to go and enjoy.. I’ve discovered what I’m capable of. How to push myself and how to back off when I’ve done too much. How to shut the loud noises out of my head and to listen to the peace and quiet that nature gives us.
I hope each one of you can find a place in nature and just leave your worries and stress behind you..
hbyphotograghy 